I WANT!!!

patheticperipatetic:

I was bored and made this. Its a Police Box based ring with a tension set 1CT Princess Cut center stone. The three round stones is the Police Box sign, the two sets of four baguettes symbolize the windows, and a small princess cut below that to symbolize the instructions found on the front of the Police Box. 

I’ve been watching the latest season of RuPaul’s Drag Race and I have to say something: I think that all the dolls should stop throwing shade and be beautiful.

They’re all beautiful on the outside. Some, not so beautiful on the inside. But they’re all stunning under the right circumstances.

Me? It takes a long time and some help for me to even look stunning, let alone FEEL stunning. I’ve never worn a gown and thought: Oh gosh, I look damn beautiful in this. I’ve never worn a dress and thought: Watch out, world! Here’s pretty personified.

Any time I’m not getting dressed for work, I try to be comfortable. I never care what I wear because I’ve never seen the point in worrying about if I look like I’ve worked to look good. It just seems that no matter how hard I try, pretty sometimes occurs, but never outright flawless and beautiful. I’m just learning to *LIKE* how I look. It feels like I’ll never love it, no matter what clothes or how much make-up I paint myself with.

So when I see Ru’s Dolls on Drag Race take so little and make so much out of it…. I just want to cry when they start hating on each other. It makes me almost sick to think that they believe in what they’re saying and that anything ugly could come out when they all look better than I do on my best day when I actually put effort into looking feminine.

That’s why I rarely bother to try and look feminine. I just can’t do it without practice. And I fail at it so often, I don’t feel like practicing.

I suppose my question is: Should I ever bother to try again? Is there a point to me being beautiful on the outside when I know I have inner beauty? Can someone clear this up for me?

I recently started a belly dancing class. I was so scared when I was thinking about taking it and hadn’t made the decision yet. All I could think was, “I’m so fucking jiggly… what do I do with my rolls?” and assorted other demeaning things. I was scared there would be lots of other, prettier and skinnier girls taking the class and that I’d feel like the class reject because of how flabby my stomach and arms are.

I’m totally body conscious… but with my friend Mary, who teaches said class and Tanya (the other lovely larger lady in that studio), I suddenly just relaxed and learned. I let my body do what it would an damn if I didn’t feel better by the end.  I was less worried about what I looked like than what I was accomplishing. I felt so good at the end of class, I had a smile on my face for hours afterward. I felt like I was finally taking a step for myself. Like I was finally on the road to being a better me and putting myself out there. I felt like I belonged and like I was accepted. Many people think they don’t know what that feels like, but I can tell you, it felt like a giant weight had been lifted from my chest and I was finally free to breathe.

I’ve tried for years to put truth to any compliment I get and so far I haven’t been able to… It just wasn’t in me. I had no reason to think I was worth anything because my friends and supposed lovers had no wish to help me, just break me of all my ‘habits’ without giving me a better option. I love my friends and I thank my former lovers for the input, but I know better know and will continue to strive to be better. Not prettier. Not sexier. Not skinnier. Just better. I’ve learned that I can be myself and not have to change the outside. All I have to do is accept that the inside makes the outside beautiful and powerful. The shell doesn’t matter much. And that infinitesimal percentage of people who do care about it, aren’t important to me.

I have a love now who sees my inner beauty and loves me for it. I have friends who love me and care about my well-being. I still have my mother, who constantly reaffirms my love for her and tries to keep me positive. I’ve never felt this loved in my entire life. I’ve raged, and had to let people go. What I didn’t realize at the time was, I’m better off without their negatives. I have enough of my own to work off. I don’t need help in that department, I never have. And now I know that all I have to do is work at things that make me happy and happiness will come. It’s not half as hard to be joyous as I once believed.

I think that so long as I continue to dance, I just might break myself of more of the negative. I ♥ you, Mary. You pushed me to take a chance and I love you for it. I love the hell out of you for giving me one more outlet for me to take a chance and be proud of myself for. I can’t help but see beauty when I look in the mirror now. I glow with it. I love me. I love Neal. I love my Mama and Grandmama. I have so much to love, my heart could just burst. And I have Mary to thank. (If you read this, I can’t tell you what kind of world you’ve opened up for me, love. Words don’t do it justice.)

The world finally shines as it should. And I have belly dance (what little I know of it so far) to thank. I’ve never been happier with myself.